Unofficial Public Relations Guidelines of Amtrak
(Not for public dissemination)
Lateless: Like Chicago voters, Amtrak intends to be late early and to be
Multi-level Customer Relations
Inform passengers that they should be seen and not heard.
Unlistening or unlearning passengers should be told that they are de facto
slaves on a new Middle Passage and they should conduct themselves accordingly
When a passenger is removed in the middle of the night in the middle of nowhere,
inform your most annoying passengers that they could be next. Remind them
that the Patriotic Act allows any transportation employee to classify a passenger
as a threat to national security.
Discourage Passengers with 24-7 Gardens of Edens
Encourage passengers to purchase spicy food to eat in the coaches. Don't
encourage them to wrap and seal. Don't encourage them to dispose of in sealed
bags in the trash cans.
When a stool-filled toilet does not flush, do not cover it with a newspaper
under the lid to contain the smell. Remember, the rail car ventilation not
only immediately blows the toilet air up into the car but any other smell
whether excessive cologne or stench.
Do not tell mothers about the changing tables in the toilets. Encourage mothers
to change diapers in the coaches, lounges and cafes. Hide all plastic bags
so the mothers cannot contain the smell.
Don't have a morning cleanup call whereat you request passengers to cleanup
around their seats.
Allow people to play loud music so that some passengers will be discourage
from being future passengers.
Allow passengers to talk loudly after lights out for the same reason as above.
Keep as many coaches as empty as possible. Pack passengers in as few cars
as possible so that they are inconvenienced by closeness and noise. If you
are lucky with increased packing, they will stop up the toilet so as to stink
up the car sooner.
Block stairwells to downstair cafe areas.
Lock the cafe bathroom so you can have your own personal bathroom--no passengers
with which to hassle.
Do not place supplies in lockers or closets. Use the tables and seats. The
more boxes, full or empty, you place on the seats, the less time you will
have to clean up after messy passengers. If you don't have enough box use
the expandable cardboard trash boxes.
Purchase your own candies, pops, and foodstuffs to sell in the cafe. Amtrak
doesn't need the money. At the end of the run, you have the cash and Amtrak
has the unsold items. Arguing like Martha Stewart, you didn't steal a single
penny from Amtrak and, yet, your billfold over-floweth. Show Martha Stewart
that Wall Street does not have a monopoloy on manipulating the free market
with insider sales.
Tape off all electrical outlets so that customers can't avoid boredom on
trains. Buy stock in Rail Media which has a free market monopoly founded
by Amtrak employees.
Ignore foul-mouth passengers who might discourage passengers from riding
again. If freedom of speech will reduce future passenger loads then let freedom
Discourage talk of global warming. If people get worried, the politicians
might subsidizes Amtrak which will increase passenger loads.
New employees with a high level of enthusiasm should be shunned as well as
encouraged to get a job elsewhere.
If we all do our part to discourage passengers, we can ride the rails without
passenger hassles while playing cards, iPods, DVDs and laptops.
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05-22-2015 @ 07:32:34