Diary of Mental and Physical Changes: Personal thoughts as the days progressed. I stopped documenting. ... fits "How military and V.A. worsens PTSD."

I have been able to go forward with Timism because of past good habits guiding me like the suddenly blinded person who can still navigate his house albeit slower. I hate the V.A. staffers and bureaucrats who lobotomized my efforts to share my knowledge of climate change. My hate will be assuaged not by harming them but by watching their lives and loved ones suffering from worsening global dying which they facilitated in gulaging me for complaining about mistreatment. And, I will not be the only one who hates them.

weight ... booze ... self-slutting ... attention span ... work output ... PTSD ... ADHD

Summary PTSD, ADHD, dementia, anger, angst, half-wit ... what could have been done.

  1. The contrast between being able to control one's awakness and sleep and not being able to so do is significant like difference between night and day. I have always wondered what it was like to drag yourself through the day having to do things you needed to do but did not have energy, motivation or deisre to do. Now I know. (140330)
  2. The contrast effect between then and now.
  3. Frustration harder to handle and pops up more often refuting my modus operanti: Don't sweat the small stuff because you will not see the big stuff coming.
  4. Sleeping in movie
  5. Roller coaster sleepy/asleep but wake up when lie down.
  6. Aged more in last two months than last two years
  7. Cheap drug: Caffeine in Mountain Dew 140330
  8. As JPAC is slow-rolling families seeking MIA's so is the V.A. slow-rolling veterans to reduce costs. I have been slow-rolled at the Richmond VA McGuire Hospital.
  9. Daytme sleeps 15-20 minute of neither awake nor asleep--is this Chronic Fatigue Syndrome?
  10. Visual migraines normally after wakeup as well as horniness. Treat visual migraines with BCpowders (contains caffeine) instead of $2900 catscans. With the dancing halos of visual migraines, cannot read anything
  11. Only way to sleep is carb up--diabetic coma?
  12. Falling asleep at keyboard and waking up as jaw drops, tongue extends and falling skull bites tongue. Yuk!
  13. There are days when I can only work 10 or 15 minutes before "dulling out."
  14. I recognize that it takes a week to finish programming a segment that I previously would have programmed in a day. Why? Cannot keep as many marbles juggled in the air. The old "low ram-swap drive" molasses computing.
  15. Hate. What a great motivator!
  16. Sometimes one does not have to physically hurt the people that one hates. If the hate is justified, someoneelse suffering in the same way will find the message of hate to be a clarifying, motivating force in their lives.
  17. When waking up from a snap nap, have been learning to pause and re-evaluate what is reality. Strange, life-like nightmares can be too real without pausing. Moved shotgun from bedroom, previously, don't remember where I put it.
  18. Laid awake for three hours (140413) staring at ceiling, pondering suicide ... too tired to get out of bed ... Decided to start hunger strike.
  19. 140415 3am, can't sleep, can't think .. damn it.
  20. 140416 4am, I hate, I hate, I hate ... I don't want to do anything.
  21. 140420 I spend more time sleeping (lying down) in my easy chair than my bed.
  22. 140504 Having gained 20/25 pounds, none of my clothes fit. I must now spend hundreds of dollars for new clothes because the V.A. Cut a $9/month medication prescription for me. My shoes don't fit anymore.
  23. 140505 I hate being half awake/half asleep, can't sleep, think or work.
  24. 140506 I have learned to live as a half-wit with less and less on-going hate of the VA system. My hate has become increasingly a cool, simmering hate focusing on castrating the careers of the offenders as they castrated my efforts to productively share timism.
  25. 140507 I have had more visual migraines--dancing halos-- than ever before. I ascribe it to the increase use of caffeine and other substances due to the lack of providgal--a $9/month prescription. Cannot work when distracted and blinded by scintillating rings of rainbows.
  26. 140510 I want to think as I once did for as long as I once did. Those who have lobotomized my thinking need not fear my physically harming them inasmuch as I want to lobotomize their happiness in an equally lasting way as they have done to me.
  27. 140511 I feel like the black man denied  the freedom to do the better and better-paying job which the racists deny me and my family.
  28. 140511 I have been asked by those who have realized Timism for what it is, "How did you finance it?" By sacrificing greater financial rewards and by simmering, growing, firetrucking hate.
  29. 140513 I hate taking baby steps when I know I could be making longer strides.
  30. 140514 I hate several times a day counting to 100 to see if I am really sleepy (I fall to sleep before I hit 100) or I am just half-asleep, half-awake.
  31. 140514 In light of the hidden lists of delayed treatment--which I suspected--when I want to commit suicide, I will go to the V.A. for a variation of suicide by cop-killing only suicide by V.A. doc killing.
  32. 140515 I cannot go on. I must go on. I will go on.
  33. 140515 I feel like a kid with ADHD. I cannot sit at a keyboard for more than 15 minutes without fidgeting and having to get up to do something else.
  34. 140515 I drink more beer now than I have for years, sometimes trying the ROI-flip for higher early morning ROI.
  35. 140518 Roller coaster ROI: Wakeup and drink two cups of coffee. Fifteen minutes I am too sleepy to work. I lay down but cannot go to sleep. Get up mad as hell which reduces sleepiness.
  36. 140518 Maybe I cannot go on.
  37. 140518 I have been so firetrucking lucky to go through adult life enjoying most every day with only a few disruptive periods. Now, I think I know how most people live, the Willy Lomans suffering quiet lives of desperation. But again, I can't, I must, I'll try.
  38. 140518 Rather than face another moment of frustrating failure to maintain my attention to the problem before me, I turned off the computer to stop the problem analysis and possible solution.
  39. 140518 A bad start to another day. Will go to bed in hopes of sleep and waking up with a more alert mind. [Good luck with that one.]
  40. 140518 The roller coaster swings lower into the abyss of my childhood and adolescence in which I have always said I'd rather die than return to suffer again.
  41. 140518 Definitely developing another personality--the roller coaster low--where the awareness of the happy first personality makes the second more depressing and long-lasting as it dominates more of each day. Too bad for timism. Too bad for global warming. Too bad for the reader.
  42. 140519 At the risk of the white jacket guys being detailed to my domain, only hate keeps me motivated. My revenge will be getting more and more of the public to hate the V.A. employees who demeaned, disrespected and denied me. I won't do any physical harm to them.
  43. 140519 I hate half-ass thinking when I know I could be doing better if I had my $9/month medication.
  44. 140520 I hate. I hate. I hate ... those who have killed me.
  45. 140520 Trying to keep thoughts sequenced leads to non sequitors. It is all relative
  46. 140521 I wanted to get up. But could not.
  47. 140521 I wish I could sit at a keyboard for more than 15 minutes without going to sleep.
  48. 140522 I used to mentally list what I wanted to focus on the next day before I went to sleep at night. Now I list what I "hope" to focus on.
  49. 140522 I hate jabbing my thigh with a pen or pencil to try to stay awake.
  50. 140522 And, then the focused thought becomes an unfocused blob.
  51. 140810 Visual Migraines with Mt. Dew and caffiene stick. Tried to alleviate with BK powders.(aspirin). Stopped working after a number of days. Last hours instead of minutes. Very distracting. I hate V.A. doctors.